I got a plane by myself with a one way ticket to The Netherlands, not scary at all she says sarcastically haha. I’ve wanted to live abroad ever since I was little. The ticket was booked and as the days drew closer and people asked how I was doing, I started to feel very freaked out and heart sore to leave my family and friends. Even writing this I have to fight back the tears, I know I need to process these feelings but I don’t really want to. Although I’ve been journaling, I have been keeping myself distracted from all these big feelings. But the 2020 goal was to write at least one blog post a month and as January comes to an end, it’s time to share the ups and downs of this big change.
The first few days were filled with loads of tears and complete lack of motivation and energy. I felt lower than I have in a very long time. When I get with these big dips I get very scared that they will last forever and that all my hard work and progress has disappeared. I am very good at spiralling. But slowly I have transition from being miserable to surviving and the tears are less and less, my mom likes to encourage me to look at that as progress but I see it as not enough progress.
My biggest anxiety right now is that I am on the job hunt. I so love routine and structure. I am very frustrated that I don’t have a job already, I feel like things would get better once I do have one. I know I need to trust that God’s timing is perfect but it’s so hard to do that. This is completely out of my control and all I can do is keep searching and applying and see what God does. I get really upset that my life can never been simple and that it seems like I am constantly being tested and the hard things keep coming. Yes I am totally being dramatic.
I am definitely being challenged to depend on God completely, it’s a very humbling experience. I have to work hard to remind myself that God’s goodness doesn’t change despite my circumstances changing.
I miss my people all around the world a lot, much more than I expected. I have some very loving and supportive family members here and they are so good to me. Despite this I still very lonely.
I continue to live on this rollercoaster of emotions. Change is so hard.
Things I’m working through/learning about myself:
I am very hard on myself.
I am very idealistic.
I am super impatient.
I am very bad at being present.
I feel the need to make up my if long term I want to end up here or in South Africa or somewhere else and have a whole plan for my life-just chill Hannah. I am an organisation freak.
God is way more powerful than I can imagine. Reading through the gospels and being reminded of all the big miracles he’s done- if He can do that surely He is with me and can provide a job.
I am more materialistic than I’d like to admit.
God is kind. Currently reading Remember God by Annie F. Downs (so good) and am challenged to try harder to be more thankful and see God’s kindess throughout the day.
So that’s January rambles complete.