I know with blogging you are supposed to write pinnable content and provide answers to peoples needs, I do love to do that but sometimes I just miss writing the random life type posts I use to write in the beginning so since I am in a season of transition and unknown I thought I’d write about what’s been going on.
My whole school journey was very different from the norm and was a hard long process. I have pages and pages written in my journals about how hard school was for me, it was not a fun time. I was homeschooled for the last three years of high school, although this change was so helpful and made life more manageable, it still had its own struggles (a blog post for another day). If I was in normal South African school I would have finished school at the end of this year but I did the Cambridge system and wrote my A levels in June 2019.
A levels are completely different to South African education and was quite a challenge to tackle, I was determined to get them done and do them in a short about of time because I was very OVER school, can’t really put into words this whole schooling process. I am no A student and no matter how hard I try my results do not show the effort I have put into my work, this has been constant struggle throughout school. I didn’t expect much for my A level results yet I was terribly disappointed with my results and felt like a failure despite the fact that I know the truth, sometimes feelings are so overwhelming and I have a lot of them-type 4 alert!
Even though I had already decided I wanted to take a gap year I still felt so confused and uncertain about whats next and if you know me I love to plan and organsise. So when you have had so many different versions or completely opposite directions in many …. plans and life is not how you thought it was going to be in some many ways, you kind of fall apart and thats exactly what I did-multiple times. I wanted a plan so bad, I just wanted the security of knowing whats next. God was really putting me through a growing process (still in it), I should totally be trusting Him because He provides security and plans in His perfect timing, knowing Him should be enough for me, yet still I felt so drained with emotions. I wanted to surrender this next season to Him so bad but I just couldn’t seem to give it over to Him. Oh, if you find this post slightly dramatic, it probably is, I am very good at that, haha.
I got a job opportunity in The Netherlands, where I was wanting to go, and I took it straight away and then that fell through-cue more tears. Why is my life not simple at all? Why can’t I just get on a plane and things work out? The plan is to spend my gap year in The Netherlands to live and work there. I have always wanted to travel and live abroad and since I have a dutch passport things are a bit easier. I love Cape Town but I really crave going out of my comfort zone and going overseas. So thats the rough plan, still looking for the finer details in the plan and specifically a job and church but I’m going to The Netherlands at the end of the year for the foreseeable future, thankfully I am going to family there so I’ll have a good supports system and home base.
But before I leave I going to celebrate my 18th birthday and just after that I leave for a trip to Australia, did I think this was the country I would be going for my 18th birthday-no, I had another plan in mind for years but this is the new plan and it is so exciting. I’ll get to spend time with friends and family I haven’t seem in too long.
Its been one rollercoaster of a journey and its only the beginning! I’m learning so much about myself, life and who God is. It’s taking a lot to fully trust God which should be so much easier considering He is the creator and King of the world, but giving up control is so hard for me. I’m fighting to be more present and content and go with the flow and to just chill. It doesn’t have to be figured out all the time or so far in advance, one step at a time. These words do not do it justice of how hard this is for me.
So yes I’m on a gap year, no idea what it’s going to look like or what I’ll do after it but God is a good God, a faithful and trustworthy one who is always present and working behind the scenes.