You need to write. These words flood through my mind as I write these words to you or maybe I’m just writing to me…we’ll see what happens with this post. I’ve avoided blogging and writing in general this week because it’s just been so hard and I feel like a failure.
All of a sudden these weeks of not doing well have caught up with me and I’d rather die than keep going. It just sounds easier.
I’ve been watching YouTube, read other blog posts and working on my computer all while this little tab stayed open. I know I need to process everything and apart of me wants to and the other part knows its going to be very painful. As I write this,this is some things going through my head, should I blog about this or just keep it in my journal, doesn’t God need you to be real and vulnerable to impact others, this isn’t the kind of blog post people want to read, how will you find a title to make people want to read it, don’t forget to make the Pinterest graphic to go along with it and why does your brain want to turn everything into a blog post. You know what?! Maybe I just need to write a blog post that looks like my first posts did and ignore all the ‘proper’ blogging techniques. Maybe it’ll be rubbish, no one will read it but maybe it will give one person a glimmer of hope? Maybe it’ll be therapeutic for me.
So here we are. The words aren’t really flowing because I’m believing the lies in my brain.
I feel like a failure of a Christian. I really do know God is with me through this pain and I know He has a purpose for it, I know He needs me in this season, I know He loves me, I know He is faithful and always good. Yet I don’t feel these things. My heart feels empty and it’s painful to admit. My medication creates this barrier between real connections and me, it creates this numbness that makes me feel boxed inside.
I don’t have a real diagnose on the pain throughout my body, I’ve been keeping it together, taking all my medication, going to therapy, going through all my calming techniques, praying like crazy and here I am crumpling, running out of capacity and a mess. I know God is pushing me through each minute, each hour and that things have been better before and that they will get better again. God is in the business of making broken things beautiful, so believe it Hannah! Trust Him! Hang on to His hope.
I was reading up about my enneagram(personality test) type today and something I hadn’t really considered popped up and challenged me. This is what challenged me, “Fours begin to build their identity around how unlike everyone else they are. ” [source] This is what triggered this whole post because under all the lies I was believing and the numb an foggy brain I have been feeling, along with the depression and anxiety clouding in, I realised I was having an identity crisis on top of it all. That statement I referenced earlier is so true and something I have to battle especially with blogging under ‘The Different Girl’
The other thing I have been letting define me is my illnesses, what would I be without this part of my story? (not that I enjoy the pain but the fact that it’s apart of me, I’ve accepted it but now I can’t see my life without it.)
I’m broken and sick but alive by God’s grace.