Every month for the past three years I have posted at least one blog post, I strive for consistency and want to do my best at everything I do. But suddenly blogging didn’t sound as fun and I had no desire to write one. Blogging has become so much for complicated than when I first started, people make livings off their blogs and there is so many resources telling you how to blog the right way, market your blog etc. I got to the point where I felt so confused and questioning everything I posted so I just stopped writing for two months. I’m so tired of feeling directionless or like no one is reading my blog, I’m tired of trying to chase the numbers. I’ve been through many ups and downs with this all social media thing, I realised it all effects me more than I’d like to admit. Sometimes I want to keep growing my blog and be like all the other blogs and their successful brands you see online and other times I want to throw my phone out the window. If you are not into social media at all you probably think I’m crazy. I have been in a daze of confusion about most areas of my life and the noise of social media was drowning me.
So I just stopped everything, I wish I could say I came back with some profound wisdom and clarity but I’m still very much confused. So what if two people read my blog, I’m tried of chasing the rabbit whole marketing my posts and watching the numbers go up and down. When I first started blogging it was just my outlet and creative fun but every successful blogger said you need to over value to your readers and I felt selfish so I tried all the things I was told would make a blogger successful. But then I started to question what do I define as successful and as you can tell the spirals continued.
In order to love blogging again I need to write terrible unedited posts with journal like entries and leave them there probably just for my mom to read. And right now I’m okay with that. I will probably change my mind a million times, spiral some more and continue to feel confused but if I love to write and hope to write a book someday I need to keep writing.
Life feels very hard at the moment but not in a way that I’m completely not surviving. I think the meds I’m on keep me stable but my mind feels very crowded. I still feel jet lag lingering and that freaks me out because it reminds of the hard times with CFS, I like to feel like I’m doing better and improving not taking five steps back. I’m far too hard on myself, overly sensitive and very needy-not a fun combination.
I’ve finished school with marks that make me want to cry and I don’t know what I’m doing next. I like to have a plan and stick to that plan and flexible is not really in my vocabulary.
To say this is an interesting season is an understatement, I didn’t expect to be here and it’s not like I’m hating every minute, I’m just unclear and confused. There have been some really great times in the last few months, I mean I was in Australia for six weeks. My mind is just spiralling and overthinking.
Realising how little control I have over my life yet still trying to grip so tightly is so hard. I know God is control, I see His goodness and faithfulness daily yet I can’t seem to surrender all the control. It makes me feel so broken. Silly Hannah feels like she needs to get her life together and sort things out but God keeps saying just trust me. It’s a battle to fully trust God which is the most ridiculous thing because HE IS GOD! He doesn’t need me but He chooses to show up everyday and love me despite my craziness. His grace is enough and it’s what carries me through.
I’m not sure where I was going with all this but I’m just going to leave it here.