It’s time to write. Is it really I ask God? Maybe I’m just oversharing, maybe this won’t make it online, why do I even bother sharing online? I feel like vulnerability comes naturally to me, yet right I feel covered in fear and now pride for my first statement. I’m beating myself up constantly in my mind.
It’s just before bed time, I am over exhausted, been binge watching Gilmore Girls and it is an emotional time of the month plus considering it’s already 2019… Let’s just say its an anxiety filled time.
The waiting feels painful, some days I can’t even remember what I’m waiting for but there is a deep sense of longing in my heart.
I lack the peace only Jesus can give probably because I’m overthinking it and numb and living in my thoughts because my 4ness(enneagram) is oozing out of me at the moment. I’ve labeled this season a waiting season and I’m soaking up all the knowledge about being present and preparing for the next but I think I’m letting myself be defined by waiting. I am terrible at trusting God, this whole surrendering thing is so hard. I stopped writing just a second ago so just left that sentence there. You are basically getting unedited thoughts right now, whoever I decide to share this with.
I tell myself talk to God about this, I know it’s the right thing and helpful thing to do but not what I feel like, watching another episode would be easier for the short time. But here you are after you just scribbled through pages in your prayer journal and you have words again. You weren’t swallowed whole by your thoughts. Just breathing is enough. You open your bible to find your margins filled with notes reminding you He is faithful, He is the king of kings and that He is ever present in the time of trouble.
Maybe you’ve finally caught on to the fact that everyone’s advice that sounds cliche to read the bible and pray is actually as simple as that and makes me the whole of difference even if you feel it in a small way.
Now if I decide to post this on my blog, I should edit it, restructure it and follow a whole bunch of rules to make sure people see it which is still out of my control. So much more to say on this, that I can’t type fast enough. Just know I share my heart in a notes to myself in a journal type way because it’s my style and I am not going to change that because the world says I should. Maybe it’s foolish but I know God’s got me.
It’s the next day, I just finished the book was reading. I think every girl needs to read it especially if you have depression. It touched me in so many ways, even in the tiniest details of the book like it included a girl who is 17 called Hannah who had depression. To read the last two chapters the day after I had a slight melt down was a God thing. A reminder that He really is in this with me.
Please read Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher.