August 1, 2017

I feel like I’m drowning in life and everyday I’m just being pushed down under the ground.

Everyday I wake up saying “Hannah, you have to face the world. Make it a good day!” but by the time  night comes I feel so drained.
But I’m also tired of feeling this tried and sad all the time.
I just want to hide away from the world.
Yes, days when I don’t go to school I do feel lighter and more able to face the world but something is still weighing me down but I have no idea what it is.
Days of happiness are occasional, like my birthday on Monday. That was a fun day but then hearing about the school day just killed the happiness.
People are walking all over me but I never speak up because it will just make the situation worse. I’m just tired of being rejected,Of being someones friend and then all of a sudden they are tired of me and get rid of me.
My brain is fuzzy and I cant think straight. All my thoughts are covered in sadness.
When I wake up, I feel like I haven’t sleep. I am just tired of life.
This big storm has been nine months long but all the other storms over the years have piled up. I’m tired of storms.
I’m tired of wanting to go out into the ‘real world’ but then when I do, I get so anxious.
I’m just absolutely exhausted from being exhausted all the time.
But I have to keep going. I just have to. I won’t give up. Even though I’m barely surviving, at least I am still pushing through every day.
Even though I don’t go to school everyday or I leave early doesn’t mean I’m weak, it just means i need to survive. and that’s ok, I am sick and tired of hearing everyone else’s opinions about how I can’t just miss school because it’s my education!
I know it’s my education! I am trying hard! I keep up with my work. Would you rather have me dead or at school everyday?! Because school kills me. Yes other people are struggling but everyone struggles in a different way and there are different solutions for each individuals struggles. My solution right now is that I don’t go to school everyday and leave school early on days that i go.
I didn’t ask for this life but clearly God gave it to me for a reason and so I have to keep doing each day whether I’m tired or not so that his plan for me can unfold.
I will survive and I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP.
Normally I plan my blog posts and then decide what to say slowly but this was all the hurt and pain and tiredness inside me pouring out. It’s just another bunch of words of me being me. and I can write whatever I want, however I want to express myself. These are my feelings and have nothing to do with anyone else.
It’s just me and my brain.
So I’m still here and I’m still living life.
I’m listening to this song called it’s Not Over Yet by For King and Country and it’s just for me!
“Oh, to everyone who’s hit their limit                                                                         It’s not over yet
It’s not over yet
And even when you think you’re finished
It’s not over yet
It’s not over yet
Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It’s not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It’s not over”
A verse that always remind me that God is strengthening me in this storm:
Isaiah 41:10:
Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
Yes, I will help you,
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’
Well,  until the next time I decide to put a bunch of words into sentences!
The crazy person, Hannah 🙂
Original Post Date:22 September 2016
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