Here I am. Another day of lying on the couch. Do I really want to be here day after day. Lot’s of people would jump at the chance of staying in bed and watching series all afternoon. I would’ve to when it was just a choice, now it feels like a sentence.
Before I jump in and share about life these past couple of days after the diagnosis, I want to share about the diagnosis itself. If you’ve been here awhile you know I share openly about my mental health struggles (depression, general and social anxiety disorder and OCD), my main aim in this is to encourage others who are suffering. For over a year now I have been suffering from extreme exhaustion, sleep issues and lots of body pain, mainly joint pain. I have been to many doctors and there has been no clear diagnosis until now. It has now been discovered that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
When I walked in to the appointment, I didn’t realise hearing a diagnosis would effect me so much. Of course we were all desperate for answers because we felt stuck without a diagnosis. If you read my post about my identity crisis you would understand that I was already in a whirlwind of thoughts at this point before the diagnosis. The kind of treatment I know have to have, other than lots of medication, is a change in diet. No more gluten, dairy or sugar (keep in mind, I’m a vegetarian and struggle with textures). Hearing I would have to change the food was a hard for me. I was so nauseous from the detox as the first week dragged on and I had flu, my brain kind of went on holiday for this week until the flu started going away. Then my special brain was in full force, all the lies of the new way of living came. I need lots of rest in this season but up until now I have been pushing myself beyond by capacity just to try live a ‘normal’ full life.
My brain just doesn’t like the idea of rest. Yet my body aches for it. This diagnosis kind of put everything in perspective and made me realise I NEED to rest. As each minute ticks over my body fills with anxiety what will each minute hold, how will I fill my time, why is life so hard, do I really have to keep going…and now the other question that fills my mind is, what am I going to eat for the next meal? Going from being able to control at least one thing, my food, to not having that any more is really tough. I know God is calling me to surrender every little thing to Him but I just can’t seem to pass it all over as much as I want to. I’m still working on how it practically looks to fully surrender.
But for the person in the same position as me, looking for whats next? What does life look after a diagnosis? I don’t know what situation looks like and I can only share from personal experience. (Seriously have not figured out all these steps, just know that they will be helpful in my journey and so I am attempting to work through them-I AM NOT PERFECT)
Surrender to God
Keep working on praying and spending time with Him even though you don’t want to or feel His presence.
Accept your situation
How does this even work?! Why would I want to accept this horrible thing, I get you. But in the bigger picture I also see that accepting this will be very helpful for the healing process.
Let people in
You really won’t be able to get to the other side without other people walking with you through it.
2 resources that have helped me through this journey
He’s making diamonds by S.G Willoughby- Read more here
Emily’s blog posts-Find her blog here
I’m in this healing process with you, hang on to the hope and strength only God can provide.